Alanna and I have struggled with the Santa thing ever since Carson was born. We don't want Carson to grow up and one day realize we've been lying to him his whole life. But at the same time, we want him to have a magical childhood. It's a tough and probably foolhardy balancing act.

We've kind of settled on this wishy-washy state of affairs where we let society do the dirty work of telling him about all the nonsense and then when he asks us questions, we kind of just say "well that's what people say." It's a cop-out but it gives us plausible deniability so that when he is older, we can say "well, we never technically lied to you, son."

Ugh.

Anyway, all of this has led to this exchange between Carson and I in the car.

Carson (out of the blue): "Dada, does Santa look at my penis and butt?"

My eyes immediately widen. "Uh no," I stutter.

This goddamn Santa shit is leading Carson to believe he doesn't have any privacy and he is growing up thinking this is okay. I have to nip this in the bud.

"Why would he do that? How would he do that?"

"Well Santa is always watching me," he replies.

"Why do you think that? You think he has cameras in our house? You know I control all the cameras in our house and I have strict network policies in place so that the cameras can't access the wider internet. Nobody is seeing our camera feeds except us."

"No, dada. He is in the sky watching."

"He's in the sky?" I glance up into the sky for dramatic effect. "I don't see anything up there. Also how would anyone see through our roof from the sky?"

"Well he can see through invisible stuff." He doesn't use the word "invisible" correctly but I still catch his meaning.

"You know, Carson. I'm an engineer. That means that I build things. And it's really hard to make complicated stuff like that work. So when you talk about fantastical things like people seeing through walls from the sky, I want to know exactly how something like that works. Because, honestly, it seems a little impossible to me."

"Well, dada, the elves build things for Santa and then he uses them."

"Oh? So the elves are engineers?"

"Yeah, dada. They build lots of stuff."

"Hmm, ok. But how do you know that?" I ask.

"I just know."

"So you are saying there are elves that have developed some secret high tech gizmo that Santa uses to see through walls from the sky. And he does it in a way that we can't see him and he somehow not only looks at you, but also at every other kid on the planet?"

I smile to myself realizing that I nailed it. He is going to admit my logic makes perfect sense and realize that not only does he have privacy, but that he should demand it from society.

Carson thinks for a second and then replies. "Yes. And he can see through clothes too. I wish I was Santa so I could see through clothes and see people's butts."

Bah, I give up.

One day as I was taking care of Carson, he referred to me as an old lady. I was shocked that a 4 ½ year old would perceive me as an old lady when I am obviously far from it. I knew I had to set him straight. After all, age is a mindset. How many old ladies play hide and seek, monsters, chase, hop scotch, etc? How can he think of me as old?

I figure that his millennial parents who perceive anyone above their generation as old and decrepit probably influenced him. Obviously, he is too young to know what “old” really is.

So...Google to the rescue!

I took Carson and we sat down at my desktop computer and Googled photos of old ladies. Some were obviously very old. I smiled to myself knowing that I looked far younger and also act younger. Surely Carson would see the difference.

"See, Carson. Mamita does not look like that" pointing to a photo of a woman who looks to be a hundred years old. "Mamita is not an old lady. Mamita is young!"

"Well, Mamita, you are not that old. You are just a little old," Carson replied.

OK, I give up.

As I take care of my 4 year old grandson after he attends preschool, I realize that this is time to be cherished because I know as he grows up he will have very little time to visit his grandmother, who he will consider very old.

One day I decided to start a conversation about that with him.

Me
Carson, when you grow up will you still come to visit me?

Carson
Well, I don't know about that, Mamita, because I will probably be living in a different house.

I wonder…how does he know he will be living in a different house? And why can't he visit me? I decide to explore a little more.

Me
Where will you be living and why will you not be able to visit me?

Carson
I don’t know, Mamita. But I probably will not visit.

This saddens me because out of the mouths of babes comes truth. I don’t know how he knows he will be living somewhere else and that he probably won't visit, but I know he speaks the truth.

"Dada, I think the car has a flat tire!" Carson exclaims as he runs around to the passenger side of the car.

"Huh? Why do you think that?" I ask as I try to get him to get in the car for summer camp.

"Oh no, there's no flat tire," he says as he walks back around to get in the car.

"Oh, okay. Let's go. Come on."

Carson gets in the car and we go to camp. I don't think anything of what he said. He says weird, random shit all the time.

The next day Alanna gets back from dropping Carson off.

"The car was complaining to me today about low tire pressure in the front right tire," she explains. "It looks low too."

Wait a sec, that's the same tire that Carson was going around and checking yesterday, I think. 😮 Did that little boy prophesize this? Or...more likely (?), did he do it himself? He has been especially testy lately – doing things to get a rise out of us – just to see what we'll do. Did he graduate his prodding into full-on vandalism now? Is he sneaking out in the night to cause chaos? I remember we have been missing a kitchen knife...

"What the hell, Chad? Are you not going to answer me?" Alanna yells. Oh right, I've just been staring at her as I think these thoughts. "Didn't you just buy some kind of tire air machine at Costco?"

Oh yeah, I did just buy that thing – just for an occasion like this. I'll finally get a chance to use it after impulse buying it.

"Can you go use that please before I have to go pick Carson up later today?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, okay. Right, it probably just needs air." I finally speak after staring at her this whole time.

This conversation is representative of how a lot of conversations go in our marriage.

Another day goes by and Alanna drives to the Northshore to meet a client. She gets back and immediately starts bitching complaining.

"Chad! The tire pressure monitor was yelling at me again after you just filled it! I was scared driving across that bridge. Come look at the tire, it looks way flatter than yesterday."

I go outside and try to fill it again and it's down to 10 PSI (from 35 yesterday).

"Welp, it seems like this tire is dead. I think it's time to get a new car," I tell Alanna.

She looks at me and immediately agrees. With no further discussion, we both go inside and go to sleep.

The next day, we head to the Honda dealership. We have plans to go look at Hyundai, Volvo, and Volkswagen – maybe not all in one day – but ya know, over the next couple of days.

Naturally, four hours after arriving at the Honda dealership, we leave with a new Pilot Black Edition.

‌We take the new car to go pick up Carson from summer camp. We dropped him off with him having no idea what we were going to do that day. I drive up eagerly waiting to see his confused face when they call his name in the carpool and he looks around and sees us in some weird car.

"Huh, what car is this?" he says as he climbs in.

"We got a new car!" Alanna tells him.

"What? I didn't know I was getting a new car today." He starts climbing around in the back looking around. "Wow, this car has two windows on the roof! Our other car only had one window on the top. And this one is bigger! I can see the trees!"

He seems excited.

We put him in his car seat which is behind the driver's seat now (since this car has bucket seats instead of one long bench). He immediately discovers things we didn't anticipate when we moved his car seat.

"Oh, I can reach the window button now. I can open the window whenever I want!" He immediately starts opening and closing the window as we drive along. He does it the entire trip home.

"Does this thing open the door?" He grabs for the door handle while we are travelling 70 mph on I-10. Did this thing come with child locks?

At bedtime, the weight of the day starts to set in.

"Mama, I think I'm going to miss our old car," Carson says with a tear in his eye. "Where is it now? Is it inside somewhere? Who is going to have it now? I didn't get to say goodbye."

Alanna comforts him by telling him all cars go to live on farms where they can drive free when they die – or something like that.

I tell him the truth.

We had to get a new car because our old car broke in a slight way and we throw things away when we get tired of them.

Life lesson successfully instilled.

We are sitting outside on the patio and 4 year, 10 month old Carson reaches over to touch my breasts as we sit on a chair together.

Me
Carson, that is Mamita's breasts and it is a private part so you should not be touching me there.

Carson
But I like to touch your boobies.

Ugh, that word is something he must have heard from his parents. I personally hate that word and prefer the correct anatomical word for that part of the body.

Me
Those are called breasts, Carson, and ladies' breasts are private parts.

Carson
They are boobies and I like to touch boobies. I like to touch my Mama's boobies all the time too.

😮 Hmmm, what kind of house is my son and his wife running over there?

Later, same conversation…

Carson
Mamita, when I grow up I will have a different family.

Me
Oh – are you going to be married with a wife and children? Is that the different family you are going to have?

Carson with the biggest smile on his face
Yes and when I grow up and have a wife, I am going to touch her boobies all day and all night!

I try very hard to contain my laugh: "Really...hmm...ok!"

I have always loved the story Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. It is a book I read to my own two sons when they were toddlers.  It is a story about a mother who loves her son and holds him at various stages of his life affirming her forever love for him. As the mother ages it shows the son holding his mother as an elderly old lady at the end, affirming his forever love for her.

Yes, it is a real tearjerker for a mother.

So it was with special joy and fond remembrance when I read this book to my grandson, Carson, when he was a toddler.

When Carson was about 3 years old, I remarked how well he was eating one day and how he was getting to be so big and strong.

He replied, “I am going to get bigger and bigger and I am going to be bigger than you, then I am going to hold you, Mamita.”

Be still my heart…the child remembers the story and I have a vision of a strong man holding his frail grandmother.

Driving past WDSU headquarters on I-10 in New Orleans

Carson
looking at the giant satellite dish
Dada, I know what that thing is.

Me
Oh really, what is it?

Carson
confidently
It's a vagina scope.

...awkward silence...

Me
trollface
Oh...I thought it was a satellite dish but I guess maybe you could use it for vaginas too.

Alanna
stares at me

Sitting at the kitchen table eating together like a damn good All-American family.

Carson
I need to go peepee. I'll be right back.

Alanna
Ok, go ahead.

Carson walks to the bathroom. BANG – the toilet seat slams down.

Carson
Ahh! I almost squished my penis!
It's ok though. I didn't.

Carson
playing with is new batman toy
Can batman fly?

Me
No. He doesn't fly like superman. He kinda just falls...but with style.

Carson
What? Why does he have a curtain then? That's for flying.

I was driving Carson this morning and we were passing by the old house I grew up in.

Me
Carson, when I was little, that's where I used to live until I was 5 years old – a little boy like you. And then we moved to the house that Mamita lives in now after that. I lived there until I was 17.

Carson
sounding very sincere
Wow, Dada, that's a really cool story.

I laugh and turn around because it sounds so sincere. It sounds too sincere – to the point that I think he is mocking me.

Me
Oh really? Does that sound like a cool story, bro?

Carson
Yeah, bro. It's a really cool story.

That little shit. 🤣

At city park.

Carson
sees a canoe on the water
Mama, Dada, let's go get on a boat!

Alanna
No, Mama and Dada can't do canoes. We did it once a long time ago and almost got a divorce and you were almost never born.

Carson
confused, looks up at me

Me
True story.

Watching spider man right before a "tender moment"

Carson
Are they about to bite again?

Me
huh?

They start kissing.

Carson
Look, they are biting each other!

Me
No, they are kissing.

Carson
🤨 That's not how you kiss.

Taking a walk in the neighborhood.

Carson
sees dried up worm on sidewalk
Look at that worm! He died on the sidewalk before he got to the grass!

Me
Yep, he's dead. The universe is a cold and indifferent place and sometimes you die on the sidewalk and nobody gives you a second thought as they walk right over you.

Carson
stares at the worm silently

I'm doing fine in quarantine.

We've been potty training the beast for a week now. I say potty training but it is more like just constantly watching him in terror waiting for him to piss on something and hoping it isn't something too nice. Then, when he does eventually piss on our stuff, we rush him to the potty. It is there that he will let out a few more drops of urine and then command us to jump for him (yeah, we did that once and apparently now he expects & commands us to do it for him on queue after he pisses).

Anyway, it's been a long day of that. It's 4pm and he decides to activate Destructor Mode™. He starts grabbing any old random thing he can find and throwing it across the room. He starts going from room-to-room doing this.

Alanna & I decide he needs a change of scenery to get him out of this mood. We decide to go eat at a restaurant. It is 4pm after all. That's what time normal people eat dinner, right?

We get to the restaurant and they immediately provide us with chips & salsa. Nice. This will please the beast. Wait, no, he doesn't want the salsa. He demands ketchup. Chips & ketchup. Alanna tries to explain to him that that is gross. I cut her off. It's fine. Give the beast what he wants. We order our food and everything is fine. Crisis averted. He is happily eating his chips & ketchup. Mom & Dad are enjoying chips & salsa and finally getting to have a normal conversation. I'm glad we decided--

Out of chips...fuck

"Momma, I want to get out"

Luckily, we had the forethought to request a a booth so we have him cornered to where he can't get out.

"Let me oooooooooooout"

"Ok, baby," Alanna is soft. She looks at me staring at her like "wtf" and she says "It's fine, we are in the empty part of the restaurant."

I look around and remember, oh yeah, they did put us over here all by ourselves. I wonder if they did that on purpose. Could they tell? Does Carson just look like one of those kids? One of those kids that is going to just start screaming and throwing things and walking up to strangers asking them for ketchup and --

CRASH

Oh, shit, I was too busy contemplating and the beast has escaped. He is now at another table emptying the little packets of sugar and saccharine onto the table. Luckily, Alanna gets over there quickly and starts to diffuse the situation.

"Do you want to help me put all these back? We need to put all the colors together. The pink ones go with the pink ones and the white ones go with the white ones."

Yeah, that piques his interest. Organizing colors – that's some shit he's into. Everything is going fine until all of a sudden he gets a surprised look on his face.

"Dadda, I makin peepee"

This is it. This is the moment. We knew it was coming. We came prepared. Alanna bought a little travel potty seat that we can put over a public toilet so that his little ass will fit. I spring into action.

"Ok, hold it! Let's go run to the potty!" I go to grab the potty out of the bag. Wait, where is it? I know we put it in one of these pockets.

"Oh God, Chad just go! Forget the potty seat!" Alanna is freaking out. I finally find the potty seat and run with Carson to the bathroom.

We rush in. I can see dribbles of urine starting to soak through his pants. Wait, something isn't right. All the stall doors are closed. I look down and I see feet.

Every. Fucking. Stall. Has. Someone. Taking. A. Shit. In. It.

Ok, Plan B.

"Ok, buddy. I know we've never done this before but you're about to learn how to use a urinal. Let's take your pants off." I pull his pants down. Luckily, he's holding his pee now and not pissing on himself anymore. I pick him up and kind of halfway hold him up to the urinal sideways.

"Ok, go."

He looks up at me with a confused look. I look down and see no urine.

"It's ok, just let it free. Do like you were doing earlier now."

"I want to get down, Dada."

Ugh, ok. This isn't going to work. I set him down and start to look around. Wtf do I do now?

"Oh what's this?"

I look down again and to my horror, he is holding the urinal cake and sticking it up to his face to inspect it.

"Ahhh, nooo! Don't touch that! It's dirty. Don't touch anything. Just assume everything in here is dirty."

I grab his arm and wiggle it until he drops the cake. I pick him up and hold him over the sink so I can wash his hands. I haven't pulled his pants up yet so his little loaded penis is flying around all over the place.

At this point, I don't see anyone but one of the stalls opens up. I guess I missed the guy leaving in all of the commotion. We go into the stall. I get out the little potty seat. Ah shit, how do you open this damn thing? I eventually get it open and put it on the seat. I plop him down on the toilet.

"Ok, now you can go."

I notice now that his leg is wet when it wasn't before and there are some dribbles on the floor.

"I'm all done now."

"But, you didn't make peepee yet. We need to make peepee on the potty."

We sit for a couple more minutes. No urine leaves his penis.

"Dada, I wanna get dowwwwn"

Ok, I guess this is it then. Successful potty trip?

I get him down and help him to get his pants back on. We wash our hands again and return to the table...

TRIUMPHANTLY

Early evening. Taking Chloe for a walk. Carson says he wants to tag along.

Chloe finishes pooping after walking a bit.

Me
Ok, let's turn around and head back home. Chloe is all done.

Carson
Oh, I wanted to go see Maggie.

Me
Maggie? Who's Maggie?

Carson
Maggie over there.

He points over to the neighbor's yard that has a religious statue of Mary

Me
Oh, you mean Mary?

Carson
Yeah, Mary. But I do it another day.

He turns around and starts to walk back home in front of me.

Me
Yeah, we'll go see Mary another day. Thanks for understanding.

Carson turns around with confused look.

Carson
Huh?

Me
Thanks for being so understanding.

Carson still staring with a confused look.

Carson
What are you talking about?

Me
I'm just telling you that you are very understanding.

Carson now angry.

Carson
No I'm not!

Me
No, it's a good thing. I'm trying to give you a compliment.

Carson
Oh yeah, you're right.

Carson happily turns around and starts walking home again.