We've been potty training the beast for a week now. I say potty training but it is more like just constantly watching him in terror waiting for him to piss on something and hoping it isn't something too nice. Then, when he does eventually piss on our stuff, we rush him to the potty. It is there that he will let out a few more drops of urine and then command us to jump for him (yeah, we did that once and apparently now he expects & commands us to do it for him on queue after he pisses).
Anyway, it's been a long day of that. It's 4pm and he decides to activate Destructor Mode™. He starts grabbing any old random thing he can find and throwing it across the room. He starts going from room-to-room doing this.
Alanna & I decide he needs a change of scenery to get him out of this mood. We decide to go eat at a restaurant. It is 4pm after all. That's what time normal people eat dinner, right?
We get to the restaurant and they immediately provide us with chips & salsa. Nice. This will please the beast. Wait, no, he doesn't want the salsa. He demands ketchup. Chips & ketchup. Alanna tries to explain to him that that is gross. I cut her off. It's fine. Give the beast what he wants. We order our food and everything is fine. Crisis averted. He is happily eating his chips & ketchup. Mom & Dad are enjoying chips & salsa and finally getting to have a normal conversation. I'm glad we decided--
Out of chips...fuck
"Momma, I want to get out"
Luckily, we had the forethought to request a a booth so we have him cornered to where he can't get out.
"Let me oooooooooooout"
"Ok, baby," Alanna is soft. She looks at me staring at her like "wtf" and she says "It's fine, we are in the empty part of the restaurant."
I look around and remember, oh yeah, they did put us over here all by ourselves. I wonder if they did that on purpose. Could they tell? Does Carson just look like one of those kids? One of those kids that is going to just start screaming and throwing things and walking up to strangers asking them for ketchup and --
Oh, shit, I was too busy contemplating and the beast has escaped. He is now at another table emptying the little packets of sugar and saccharine onto the table. Luckily, Alanna gets over there quickly and starts to diffuse the situation.
"Do you want to help me put all these back? We need to put all the colors together. The pink ones go with the pink ones and the white ones go with the white ones."
Yeah, that piques his interest. Organizing colors – that's some shit he's into. Everything is going fine until all of a sudden he gets a surprised look on his face.
"Dadda, I makin peepee"
This is it. This is the moment. We knew it was coming. We came prepared. Alanna bought a little travel potty seat that we can put over a public toilet so that his little ass will fit. I spring into action.
"Ok, hold it! Let's go run to the potty!" I go to grab the potty out of the bag. Wait, where is it? I know we put it in one of these pockets.
"Oh God, Chad just go! Forget the potty seat!" Alanna is freaking out. I finally find the potty seat and run with Carson to the bathroom.
We rush in. I can see dribbles of urine starting to soak through his pants. Wait, something isn't right. All the stall doors are closed. I look down and I see feet.
Every. Fucking. Stall. Has. Someone. Taking. A. Shit. In. It.
Ok, Plan B.
"Ok, buddy. I know we've never done this before but you're about to learn how to use a urinal. Let's take your pants off." I pull his pants down. Luckily, he's holding his pee now and not pissing on himself anymore. I pick him up and kind of halfway hold him up to the urinal sideways.
He looks up at me with a confused look. I look down and see no urine.
"It's ok, just let it free. Do like you were doing earlier now."
"I want to get down, Dada."
Ugh, ok. This isn't going to work. I set him down and start to look around. Wtf do I do now?
"Oh what's this?"
I look down again and to my horror, he is holding the urinal cake and sticking it up to his face to inspect it.
"Ahhh, nooo! Don't touch that! It's dirty. Don't touch anything. Just assume everything in here is dirty."
I grab his arm and wiggle it until he drops the cake. I pick him up and hold him over the sink so I can wash his hands. I haven't pulled his pants up yet so his little loaded penis is flying around all over the place.
At this point, I don't see anyone but one of the stalls opens up. I guess I missed the guy leaving in all of the commotion. We go into the stall. I get out the little potty seat. Ah shit, how do you open this damn thing? I eventually get it open and put it on the seat. I plop him down on the toilet.
"Ok, now you can go."
I notice now that his leg is wet when it wasn't before and there are some dribbles on the floor.
"I'm all done now."
"But, you didn't make peepee yet. We need to make peepee on the potty."
We sit for a couple more minutes. No urine leaves his penis.
"Dada, I wanna get dowwwwn"
Ok, I guess this is it then. Successful potty trip?
I get him down and help him to get his pants back on. We wash our hands again and return to the table...